Extraordinary Ministers Condemn Extraordinary Form of Mass, Insist Extraordinary Things Should Be Ordinary

THE NORTHERN THURIBLE | SATIRE — This is a fictional report. The people, quotations and events described are invented.

A group of Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion has expressed outrage at proposals to celebrate the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite, warning that the introduction of extraordinary practices into ordinary parish life risks causing confusion amongst the faithful.

The ministers, who have distributed Holy Communion at every Sunday Mass for the past twenty-seven years, described the proposed liturgy as “an unnecessary departure from the ordinary life of the Church”.

“We must be very careful about normalising things that were only ever intended for exceptional circumstances,” explained Margaret, 68, a fictional parishioner who has not missed an opportunity to distribute Holy Communion since 1998.

“Just because something is permitted by the Church doesn't mean it ought to become a regular feature of parish worship.”

Margaret, who is one of twelve Extraordinary Ministers routinely deployed to distribute Holy Communion to a congregation of forty-three, insisted that the parish must resist attempts to impose outdated liturgical practices upon modern Catholics.

“We have moved on as a Church. The idea that the priest should be the one distributing Holy Communion is terribly clerical. The laity must be involved.”

When informed that the use of Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion was itself intended to address particular pastoral circumstances rather than become the customary means of distributing the Eucharist, Margaret accused the reporter of “weaponising canon law”.

The group has since written to the bishop, warning that allowing the Extraordinary Form could establish a dangerous precedent whereby practices previously regarded as exceptional become a normal part of parish life.

“We simply cannot have extraordinary things becoming ordinary,” their letter concluded.

The complaint was signed by all fourteen Extraordinary Ministers, the parish liturgy coordinator, and a retired RE teacher who has opposed Latin since 1967.

The Northern Thurible is an independent satirical publication. This article is fiction and does not describe an actual parish, complaint or diocesan decision.